Eleventh Issue
*contains dick pics*
Hello and welcome back to the newsletter,
I’ve apparently shaved a week off my turnaround time for writing this newsletter, which I am proud of, although it feels like only yesterday that I was writing about ingesting Raid and Bod Men’s Fragrance Spray (this is what’s called a “callback”).
Let’s get right into it.
Happy Thoughts (the stand-up show that I run, you forgetful asshole) went off without a hitch last month, and I don’t know what that expression means other than that it went well, and thank you for asking. Here is a blurry photo:
The next Happy Thoughts is on Sunday, November 7, and we have decided to utilize this revolutionary new marketing technique called Announcing Your Show More Than One-And-A-Half Weeks In Advance, and so tickets for our next show (19 days from now) are presently on sale here.
This is the poster for the November 7 show, which I made all by myself, and am very proud of:
Now, for a sneak peek into how this whole show business thing comes together, here is a look at my first draft of the poster, the inimitable “Happy Thoughts November 7 Poster (Unfinished Version).”
It looks so good I’m bummed I messed with it! Also s/o Microsoft Paint <3
My high school physics teacher got arrested a couple weeks ago for sending dick pics to an underage kid. He was also the person who taught me how to drive as part of a side business that he used to run. This experience has made me realize a lot of things, not the least of which being that it’s apparently weird to drive 100% butt ass naked.
Also he kind of looked like a penis, so maybe the dick pic he got in trouble for was just a photo of his face, which is here for reference, and sorry that this has now apparently turned into a porn blog.
On a regrettably related note, please help me figure out if this mustache makes me look like a pedophile from the 1970s. Do not worry as I will be staying at least 500 feet from all playgrounds in the area either way. Thanks in advance.
Here is an honest movie review that was given offhand to me by one of my bosses at the Smokehouse (I keep calling it the Smoke Shop oops) last weekend. This was totally unwarranted and I still don’t really know where it came from. But I present it here to you in the most authentic way I know how, with my best attempt at recalling his actual review, word-for-word.
Film: The Cabin in the Woods
Year: 2011
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Review: "2011’s [The] Cabin in the Woods has got to be one of my favorite horror movies of all time. You know, you just can’t beat the nuance in that movie - I mean, god, the acting is done so well, the idiosyncrasies in the character arcs… that movie, for me, is up there with Sharknado in terms of the special place it holds in my heart.
Me Admitting That I May Have Editorialized: okay maybe he didn’t actually say that part at the end about Sharknado and his like emotional gravitation towards either of those movies. But still. I think the other statements stand for themselves. And I’m not budging on this. I don’t even care if maybe some of you liked 2011’s The Cabin in the Woods and are immediately alienated by the public shame I have hereby afforded this (to you) unknown person. I will die on this hill.
Me Dying on This Hill: goodbye everyone! boy this sure is a nice hill! with nice soft green grass! thanks for making me learn the hard way to like stand my ground and not sell out my beliefs!
uhhh i guess dying on a hill can be kind of a lengthy process! oh, well! i guess with all this time on my hands i might as well list all of the state capitals in alphabetical order one final time. here we go! albany, annapolis, atlanta, augusta, austin, baton rouge, bismarck . . .
This part of the newsletter is the part of the newsletter that is the part that comes after the parts that are called “the part that is the beginning” and “the part that is the middle.” This part, then, this part is logically called “the part that is the end.” Or sometimes just “the end” for short. These names are derived from other foreign root words which give them their meaning. Those root words are as follows.
The word “beginning” can be separated into two halves: “beg” and “inning,” the former coming from the Latin begare (v.) meaning “to request,” and the former coming from the Greek inning (n.) meaning “one-ninth of one baseball game.” The word “beginning” then literally translates as “to request one-ninth of one baseball game.” One can easily see the how the small jump is made to the modern definition of beginning (n.) “the point in time or space at which something starts.”
“Middle,” meanwhile, is derived from the English middle (n.) meaning “middle,” or the lengthier “in the middle of something.”
The final third of the puzzle, the “end”